: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
