i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
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