He had one of those small greek statue penises
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
