Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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