I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
