I hate your face
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
