Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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