2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
meet me or not, i'm out of control
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
