Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
