I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
