so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
