I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
