ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
