Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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