Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
