Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
