so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
