I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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