We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
