what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
i've created a new STD.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Randomize
