theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Randomize
