I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
