if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
