my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
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