There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That was an excessively violent trivia night
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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