dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
