I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
