apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Randomize
