he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
sarcasm needs its own font
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
