feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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