I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Did we literally take a cab across the street
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
