Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
