mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
