Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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