don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
