the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
your like the ambassador to my penis.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
