I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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