i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
