She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Randomize
