I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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