Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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