My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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