So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
