Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
