Jerry, you need to find god
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
