maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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