I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Randomize
