So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
