Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Randomize
