Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
