You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
