why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
We need to get me chipped asap
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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