How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
