Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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