ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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