It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
