Screwed.edu
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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