what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize