If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
